Thursday, July 5, 2018

Important questions about Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX)

There are some very important questions right now about Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX).  Read the story for yourself at Roll Call.  He claims that the Department of Justice is surveilling him, referencing the Mueller investigation.  There are important questions here, and I think we can all agree that none are more important than the following:

Is it funnier if he is or isn't being surveilled?  I can't decide, and this is really bugging me.  Get it?  "Bugging?"

Oh, y'all know I love the crazy Members of Congress, and with Michele Bachmann-- dear, sweet Michele-- gone from Congress but not my heart, Louie so often serves as the methadone to my Bachmann heroin.  Should I put an "e" there?  This is kind of a Dan Quayle thing.  I love the English language too.  Of course, if you know your history (or at least, Latin), you know that isn't an accidental spelling, but I digress.

So, I return to the question of the day.  Would it be funnier if Louie really is being surveilled, or if this is just a Freedom Caucus delusion?  Allow me to attempt to make either case.

Case 1:  The delusion is funnier

This is sort of the obvious argument.  Watching fools act like fools has an entertainment value that is distinctive and satisfying.  I admit that one of my Thanksgiving Day traditions is to go on youtube and watch idiots burn down their houses as they attempt to deep-fry turkeys indoors.  Yesterday was a glorious day for watching idiots do other idiotic things.  Does anyone remember Wesley Willis?  No?  Probably not.  Normally, I'd embed a youtube music thing, but not today.  Why not?  Because I'd feel guilty.  Wesley Willis was a severe schizophrenic who would frequently go off his meds, and... record... something... vaguely... music-like.  He would play an old Casio keyboard, and the lyrics were nuts-o.  It was the kind of thing that you a) laughed at, and then b) felt guilty about laughing at because he was actually, seriously mentally ill and needed to be medicated.  Schizophrenia is a serious illness.  It isn't multiple personality disorder.  It needs to be treated properly, and we shouldn't joke about it.

The problem was, if you listened to Wesley Willis, it was hard not to laugh.  And then feel guilty.

Listening to Louie Gohmert?  He's not schizophrenic.  It's like all the joy of listening to Wesley Willis without any of the guilt that makes you feel like you can't laugh.  Wesley Willis needed medication.  Louie Gohmert is just an asshole who also happens to be an idiot.  The delusion would be a gift for those of us who wanted to laugh at Wesley Willis, guilt-free.  It's like a no-calorie, all-you-can-eat meal of deliciousness!

Case 2a:  It's funnier if it's true (Russia edition)

I'm actually going to break this up into two parts, because there are two ways that Gohmert could be surveilled.  It could be something having to do with Mueller, as the Great Sage of Texas seems to think, or something else.  2a shall be Russia-related.  Gohmert seems to connect his belief that he is being surveilled to something about FISA and Mueller, or... something.  Uh...  Whatever, Louie.

How would that happen?  What would lead to that?  The Feds would be tracking a lead from a Russian spy to Louie Gohmert, meaning that a Russian spook tried to contact him.  Could a Russian spook try to get an "in" with a Republican in Congress?  In theory, sure.  In fact, I'd be very surprised if they hadn't tried with someone.  But Gohmert?  Can you imagine a Russian spy trying to work with Louie Gohmert?  Just imagine the Russian spy meeting with Gohmert.  That script writes itself.  Comedy gold.  The spy could talk like Boris Badenov, and Louie would ask if he's some New York jew-boy.

Case 2b:  It's funnier if it's true (unrelated federal crimes)

Let's remember that Members of Congress commit all sorts of creative federal crimes, and Louie Gohmert?  What kind of crimes might he be committing?  Transporting possums across state lines for immoral purposes?  Running a raccoon-fighting ring out of his out-house?  It's Louie Gohmert.  I absolutely can believe that he is guilty of federal crimes.  I absolutely can believe that he is being surveilled by someone.  I absolutely can believe that he is guilty of some particularly stupid crimes because he's Louie Gohmert.  This isn't a complicated money laundering scheme type of guy, and this isn't a master spy that the Russians would employ.  This is the type of mouth-breather who might have actually attended Trump University.  Maybe he thought he bought the deed to some federal lands and tried to sell it for moonshine money, or something.  With Louie Gohmert, who the hell knows?  That's the beauty of this.  There is so much comedy potential here.

Look, realistically, this is a Freedom Caucus paranoid delusion.  I know that, and you know that.  Gohmert can't find his ass with both hands and a flashlight, and since flashlights run on electricity, which is technology way beyond that redneck's comprehension, it's a moot point anyway, and if someone did hand Gohmert a flashlight, that flashlight would somehow find its way up Gohmert's ass without Gohmert ever finding his own ass.  How?  Magic!

Regardless, let's all take a moment to appreciate the fact that Louie Gohmert is around to brighten our day by being such a Louie-toon.  I love this guy.  More Louie Gohmert, please!

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